1974 - January 22

22 January 1974

It is time to face a new world with the insecurity and hurt that exist I must prize each day for what it may be, for the children, Yes the fact that I can do many things and not be impatient or anxious because of the great stresses placed  upon me. One must learn to live with what is. Sometimes I think the climate is the greatest burden of all – coupled with urban ugliness. 

Caroline feels that I want revenge. I know I shall never see the satisfaction of revenge and indeed I really do not want to hurt her. She probably will never feel the way I have felt and I wonder if she is capable of such feeling I find that she is much weaker than I am and blames me for her limitations which I think I have grown above. I shall probably always love her but I shall live without her. 

28 Jan 1974

Yesterday Jennifer and I went to the Quaker Meeting house on Lowther St. It was a very restoring experience and moved me to tears.

2 Feb 1974

My father is 69 years old today. 

I am becoming aware of what probably is my major shortcoming that is a quality of indecision. There are aspects that I wonder about – being left handed, the army doctor saying that I was skitzophrenic (sp) (slightly). My lack of real commitment and action as an artist, as a sexual man, as a career oriented person. I flounder well enough but I do not put my eggs into any basket and go ahead confidently, energetically, skillfully to development. Can a man, 39, do the things, can he decide, can he develop? Can  he act and grow? Plan and project? I must know myself. I must live with myself and I must make some positive steps towards developing and deciding and follow wherever this leads.

Perhaps this is why Caroline has really left me. Open my eyes and see, do with my hand and mind become a self.