23 December 1973
At last the uncertain misery of the fall and summer has manifested itself. On Tuesday 18 December Caroline told me that she loved another man. That she has been seeing him and making love with him since Brussels that she initiated the affair and has fallen in love with him and wants to live with him. My state of shock is one of returning waves of unhappiness desperation and realization of how much I still love Caroline. We have become perhaps closer with more honest and intensive communication but she shall leave me and I shall remain with the children. She will never understand the depth of my love for her nor value it sufficiently she does not see all too clearly. She says she loves me does not want a divorce, but will leave me and live with another man. Independent Caroline cutting her own swath with a man more conventional in outlook than I am – I do not wish her pain but with my heart I wish her bad luck and good sense to see that she has lost what she can have. I shall have to open a new life for myself to be come stronger, less inhibited, more attractive sexy and learn about living and life. I go through the days with Caroline as in a dream seeing her touching her and hoping that when I wake up she won’t be gone but I know 2 days after Christmas the children and I must leave so that when we return the house will no longer have her or her things. Our bedroom, my favourite room, will be bare. I pray that I get her back yet all tell me that such dreams are hopeless.
29 December 1973
The children and I left on Thursday morning for London for three days so that Caroline could move out and be gone when we return tomorrow. It was strange knowing that it could be the last night we sleep together and saying goodby as if I would be coming home from work later.
Michael cried in the car and was angry with Caroline, why would she do this to me to him. He was most loyal.